Answers to stupid questions you didn’t ask

You know when people don’t listen to the question that you actually asked them and instead give you an answer to a question that would have been a really stupid question to ask? I really hate that. It’s as if they’re putting some stupidness onto you, when they’re the ones that are really being stupid.

First example to come to mind:

Getting driving lessons. The driving instructor tells me to keep in to the left, close to the kerb, grand. So then we turn onto a dual carriageway, and I ask “When I’m in the right lane should I keep to the left, or to the right near the kerb?” And she says “You can drive in either lane.”

“Hey I’m fucking paying you to teach me how to drive, stop texting your fucking mates and pay attention” – I thought loudly.

Punctuation police

D’you know what I hate. Cunts who really seem to need some real problems in their lives, so they stop crying every time they see a misplaced fucking apostrophe.

“Oh look, at that sign! it says Banana’s 20c ! Does that mean the banana owns the 20 cents! ha ha ha. People who work in shops are so stupid. Let’s take a photo and post it on twitpic and tell all the other puncutation police”

Fuck off!

Brian Cowen’s voice

D’you know what  I hate?

Brian Cowen’s voice. Smug smarmy sounding fucker with no reason to be.

Please enter your pin

D’you know what I hate?

When I’ve just put my credit card into a machine in a supermarket or petrol station and I’m waiting for the “Please enter your pin” notification on the screen. Nothing else has my attention. My fingers are hovered over the buttons eagerly awaiting to see the “Please enter your pin” notification. But the microsecond it appears, the gobshite at the till says “Please enter your pin”. Every time!

I fucking know! Can you not see me staring at the screen waiting to hit the buttons fast enough so I don’t have to hear your stupid face stating the bleedin obvious, wha?

Rounds

D’you know what I hate? Rounds!

Yep I know I may well me the minority in this one but I hate rounds in pubs.

I hate having a pint pushed in front of me when I’ve still got a half pint to finish. Doesn’t make any sense  at all. Why the fuck would I want a nice fresh pint going stale and warm before my very eyes while I finish this pint before me, which was, by the same token flat and warm before I got to taste it.

I don’t really care that I’ve just bought you a drink. I’m not keeping score. It doesn’t mean I want to be rewarded with stale pints for the rest of the night. No, really, I’m fine, I don’t want another one just yet. No really. Oh fuck you’ve bought me one anyway haven’t you? Great, thanks. Another beautiful pint  about to decay before my eyes. Aren’t you the paragon of generosity for delivering my creamy froth well before the chosen hour? Happy? good for you.

Human Traffic

Yeah let’s get an obvious one out of the way here; I hate human traffic. As we all know most people are morons. Pack all these morons into a tight space and ask them to get from A to B and you’re left with chaos for the rest of us.

Path blockers
How the hell do you manage it, there’s only one of you yet you still manage to block a path wide enough for four people. That’s just a fucked up level of awkwardness.

Diagonals
Listen, you can’t just walk diagonally across a street that slowly,  stop and look around and see just how many of us you’re getting in the way of with that diagonal shit, you awkward fuck.

Couples holding hands.
Oh it’s ok – they they see me coming, they’re going to lift their hands in the air so I can go under the bridge. How fucking cute is that? Make me want to behead a my-little-pony.

Sudden stoppers
What the hell are you doing you mentalist? This is Grafton street, not the corridoor in your nursing home! You can’t just suddenly stop!

Slow moving people
Yes, let’s punch them in the back of the head.

Navel gazers
They somehow manage to get through a busy city looking at their feet. I’m always tempted to not to get out of the way like they expect. BANG. How’d you like them fucking apples?

Gombeem shop exiters
They come out of a shop and only look one way, then just awkwardly hover there. Get out of the fucking way you idiot.

People waiting for a bus
See that thing you’re blocking? That’s called a fucking path. There’s a reason it’s called a path. Step the fuck back.

Spanish students
Why? I don’t get it. I really don’t. You’re usually fairly nice. So why, WHY? Is it something you learn in school? I really want to know.

Chuggers and Paper pushers
Someone please make it legal to slay them with machetes.

Look can we just be done with it and have slow &  fast lanes, in both directions and another lane for total fucking morons who want to walk slowly and diagonally while looking at their feet and holding hands with their girlfriends..

Talking heads

D’you know what I hate? Talking heads!

Those smug cunts on the telly talking about something they’ve just been shown a clip of, saying how shit it/they/him/her is.

Usually nobodies, giving out about some other telentless cunt – but usually a talentless cunt we at least recognise for doing… something.  How can they possibly be so smug when they’re appearing on the worst form of soul sucking tv that’s ever existed. I fucking hate those talking heads.

Dream bores

D’you know what I hate? People who tell me their dreams.

Can’t you see my eyes are so glazed over they smell of honey? Can’t you see the pained expression on my face? Do you not have the cop on to realize your dreams are as boring as fuck to everyone but you?

It’s a load of nonsense that didn’t really happen, and I know it was fascinating to experience but it’s boring as fuck to listen to. Stop it now!

Hello world!

I hate this first post that WordPress created for me. “Hello Fucking world!” I’m sick of Hello world. Where’s your originality programmers? Every time you try and learn a new code, what’s the first thing you output “Hello World”, every fucking time.

Really. The next time I see “Hello word” I’m going to stand up and shout at the top of my voice, “HELLO!!! I’M SO GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US IN THIS INSIPID FUCKING EXISTENCE.”